I am so tired of being jealous. It's not something I can completely control. I try to 'look' happy and show a smile, or I try to push thoughts from my head, but it never goes away. I was in the doctors office today waiting to talk about my upcoming D&C tomorrow. This doctors office is of course an OB/GYN's office. So what do I have to face there? Many, many happy pregnant women. I wanted to run away and cry. I saw a lady with a big pregnant belly, I saw her cute belly button showing through the fabric of her shirt. I looked at her and wished so badly I was like that. I also had burning jealousy when I over heard another lady speaking with her sister. She was only 18 and had a child and was having another. I hate seeing that most of all. She fooled around and got pregnant, while I try my hardest and am in a stable loving relationship.
Also, in my family there are others that are pregnant. Being jealous of them is what makes me feel the guiltiest. I am happy for them, I really am. They both have other children and are great parents. I know they deserve to be happy. But when I look at them, all I think about is why are they better than me? Why are they allowed to be happy and not me? Why am I not good enough? Why am I broken?
Last week I had such a horrible dream. I dreamed that I gave birth to my baby and it was alive. I knew I wasn't suppose to have the baby I was holding. It was suppose to be dead. But I looked at it's face and held it. I saw it's gender, it was a girl. I called her my little Brianna, and I cried for her not to die. That dream tore me up. I wish I never had it. I was holding her, and now I can't really do that.
I'm sorry, I know this is all very personal stuff. I just wanted an outlet.
This past week has been very frustrating. First off we had our accounts hacked, so we didn't play wow for a while. Then, our Internet was down for days. I just about went crazy!..or maybe I did, I dunno. lol During that time we didn't have much we wanted to do, and I never thought I would see the day, but David and I went to bed at 10:30 because we WANTED to. Usually the only time we would ever consider that is if we had to get up early the next day. But we were so bored we just went to bed. lol But I think we were asleep for about an hour on the couch, so we actually went to bed about 9:30.
Also, last weekend we visited David's parents and later on his brother and his new bride. :) They seem to be adjusting well. I figured they would, they have been together for years and I don't think it will be that big of a challenge for them. They also have 4 kitties in their house. They were so sweet and very friendly. Just as all young cats are they were very lively and we were watching a scary movie that night in the dark..and I jumped a few times because the cats were doing acrobatics in the air in front of me while I was into the movie. lol I guess I got some extra thrills. But it was good for David and I to get out of the house and be with friends, especially since we were feeling down about losing the baby.
I made a little memento to remember the baby. It has the poem I posted earlier with baby foot prints and hand prints all around it with a picture of an ultrasound at the bottom. I framed it and put it where I can see. I think it's just my way of grieving. I wanted to do something.
I went to the doctor yesterday and I'm scheduled for a D&C Tuesday. I'm nervous about that. It's an outpatient surgery, but my doctor says there is a very small chance I could have scar tissue in my womb after that, and it may make it harder to get pregnant. Like I need any more obstacles. I was looking up on the Internet about PCOS the condition I have that makes it hard for me to conceive, and it said that 48% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. I don't like those odds. So if I take that number in a literal sense, maybe my next pregnancy won't end in miscarriage. But I know I shouldn't.
As some of you already know, we found out we lost our baby. I found this poem, and I think I will make a scrapbook page with it to have a reminder within reach.
I'll Hold You in Heaven
From the very beginning I loved you, As I made plans to hold you and rock you: You were tiny and helpless as you lay in my womb, But something went wrong and soon you were gone; My young heart was broken, my tears fell like rain, I'd never known such heartache and pain.
I wonder who you look like, me or your dad, Do you have my smile and his eyes? Would you have been big and tall or tiny and small? We had dreams for you that reached to the skies. It was long, long ago and I still miss you so, Thanks to Jesus, I'll see you in heaven.
I'll hold you in heaven someday, When my trials on earth pass away; The angels have rocked you, the Father watches over you, I know you're waiting for me; I never could hold you or tell you "Goodbye", But I'll hold you in heaven someday.
It's sooo awful. I wanna play wow tonight, but my stupid computer is still broken. The part doesn't come in until Friday. I would love to get on and do some of the new stuff, but I don't see that happening. I will probablly get on when the servers come back up to see my druid with her new fur colors, but instancing seems out of the picture.
David is also wanting to play his lowbie paladin he made with me but since all I can do is play on his laptop, it kinda sucks. The graphics are horrible, and just walking around the environment flickers around me. It's annoying. That's just in the beginner areas, imagine if I tried to go to dalaran with that. lol
I still have my concerns when it comes to raiding. I've still read the forums and it seems that we are going in a direction of more hardcore raiding, and most people are wanting it. I'm not really wanting it. I just want to have fun in the raid and listen to people be silly. I do however hate the multiple afk's, but I suppose that is something you must learn to deal with. Sure, I like it when we get something new down, but if it means everyone is tight lipped the whole time, it doesn't seem worth it to me. I will admit, I hate banging my head on new content, I'm just not cut out to be a raider really. So when we go into something new and we die more than 3 times, I'm ready to call it. lol
These are all just my normal rants I suppose, and I know not much can be done about them. I'm not asking anything to change, I just like to let off steam on this blog. lol I'm not really on a lot to know how the raids are going right now. /sigh It's kinda disappointing because I know I'm not getting any points and when I do go anything that drops I could be out bid.
Two days after the American Idol Concert and I still have Mad World ringing in my ears. I had a blast! It took us about 4 hours to get to Charlotte, NC and when we got to our hotel I was beat. But unfortunately they wouldn't have a room available for another 2 hours. /sigh So we decided to go out and eat. David printed off the address to Buffalo Wild Wings, one of our favortie restarants that we don't have locally. Wouldn't you know it, our navigation system couldn't find it. It took us a while but we blundered around until we found it. lolAfter we finished our lunch we went back to the hotel and actually got a room. I had to wait 3 hours until it was time to leave for the concert..the time ticked by slowly. Around 5:30 we left and went on the peraless journey to find a parking spot. Unsuprisingly we had to pay $10 to park close..but I didn't want to walk very far in the dark. We waited in line about 15 min. and then the doors were opened! We got seated and now all I had to do was wait another 30 min. This time it didn't seem to take so long because I was soaking up the atmosphere and trying not to get dizzy from our seats that were so high up. lol
When the concert started I was excited! Of course they started from number 10 and worked there way up to the winner of American Idol..so I had to wait a while before I got to see Adam.
But everyone performed wonderfully!
When Adam finally took the stage everyone was screaming so loudly! I was one of them. hehe He performed about 4 songs I believe. I laughed my head off when some ladies threw their bras on stage. He picked one up and started swinging it around and danced a little and you could see he was laughing too. He threw them back into the audience eventually. I have a video of one incident with a bra, but I don't have the video on this computer yet to share it, so I went to youtube and found one someone else had. It's at the bottom of the page.
David was my camera man, and he got some great stuff. Since our seats were so far back we borrowed a pair of binoculars and he actually took close ups by putting the lense through the binocular lenses. lol It worked pretty well.
After the show came the best part. I know what your saying, wasn't the concert the best part? Well yes and no. After we exited the stadium we saw a line of people waiting to get autographs
and I decided I wanted to get one too. :D So David and I joined in and we actually got a pretty good spot. I wasn't right next to them, but I was just one person back from those who were, so
when they passed all I had to do was reach over one persons head and they signed my paper.
That rocked! I got to see all my favorite idols up close! I did make one little mistake. When Scott came around I just put my paper in front of his pen and he signed it..but since he was blind he ki
nd ran into another signature I had. Doh!
Why didn't I shift the paper around better? Oh well. lol
After all the excitment was over it was time to call it a day. We got back to the hotel about 12:15
. It was a very long day, but very exciting. Here are some random pics from the autograph signing. They are a little blurry, but it's all I got. lol
