Emotions

I am so tired of being jealous. It's not something I can completely control. I try to 'look' happy and show a smile, or I try to push thoughts from my head, but it never goes away. I was in the doctors office today waiting to talk about my upcoming D&C tomorrow. This doctors office is of course an OB/GYN's office. So what do I have to face there? Many, many happy pregnant women. I wanted to run away and cry. I saw a lady with a big pregnant belly, I saw her cute belly button showing through the fabric of her shirt. I looked at her and wished so badly I was like that. I also had burning jealousy when I over heard another lady speaking with her sister. She was only 18 and had a child and was having another. I hate seeing that most of all. She fooled around and got pregnant, while I try my hardest and am in a stable loving relationship.

Also, in my family there are others that are pregnant. Being jealous of them is what makes me feel the guiltiest. I am happy for them, I really am. They both have other children and are great parents. I know they deserve to be happy. But when I look at them, all I think about is why are they better than me? Why are they allowed to be happy and not me? Why am I not good enough? Why am I broken?

Last week I had such a horrible dream. I dreamed that I gave birth to my baby and it was alive. I knew I wasn't suppose to have the baby I was holding. It was suppose to be dead. But I looked at it's face and held it. I saw it's gender, it was a girl. I called her my little Brianna, and I cried for her not to die. That dream tore me up. I wish I never had it. I was holding her, and now I can't really do that.

I'm sorry, I know this is all very personal stuff. I just wanted an outlet.