Also, in my family there are others that are pregnant. Being jealous of them is what makes me feel the guiltiest. I am happy for them, I really am. They both have other children and are great parents. I know they deserve to be happy. But when I look at them, all I think about is why are they better than me? Why are they allowed to be happy and not me? Why am I not good enough? Why am I broken?
Last week I had such a horrible dream. I dreamed that I gave birth to my baby and it was alive. I knew I wasn't suppose to have the baby I was holding. It was suppose to be dead. But I looked at it's face and held it. I saw it's gender, it was a girl. I called her my little Brianna, and I cried for her not to die. That dream tore me up. I wish I never had it. I was holding her, and now I can't really do that.
I'm sorry, I know this is all very personal stuff. I just wanted an outlet.