True Feelings

Lately I haven't played very much world of warcraft. Poor Lunas is being neglected and I feel like my guild is holding a grudge. I keep seeing posts that say they aren't downing bosses because there top dps isn't there, and that the 'officers' have to make a decision wether they are going to make the commitment to raid. When it was addressed to 'officers' it was really addressed to my husband and I, or at least in my mind it was. I told them to demote me because I don't feel that commitment anymore.  I was told that my mentality was wrong because it's gear, gear, gear. I'd just like to say that isn't it completely. Yes, that's one tiny aspect. I'm just like anyone else that plays the game, I want good gear. I know I'm not in the best possible gear at the moment and I could raid my little heart out trying to get it. I don't even know what the top gear list is for a boomkin. 

I guess if I had to tell my true feelings I don't feel any connection to the guild anymore. I LOVED to raid with a man who went by Firager. He doesn't raid anymore because his connection is bad, and I understand completely. I went through the exact same thing for over a year.  He actually took an interest in me, he'd whisper me, we'd have LONG conversations, he'd even call me at my house. Now I never talk with him and I realize no one else talks to me like that in the guild. No one really takes a personal interest in me. I get a few "Hello, we miss you guys", but no one knows me really. And I don't blame them, it takes two to make a friendship. 

Also raids were more fun when they were 10 man, much more intimate. I enjoyed those raids I got to know people better. Now that we started 25 mans, it's like a circus. There are pugs that come and go, not even the same guildies always join up. The only consistent people are the guild master and her husband and they are much to busy to have those intimate conversations. I honestly don't feel like I belong anymore. The officers talk among themselves in O chat and I just chime in every now and again. I feel like I'm just floating around and wanted mostly for the dps I bring to the group. Right now I'm crying as I write this because I feel so many crazy emotions. I feel guilty because I'm not raiding, angry because I feel like they're blaming me and just want my dps, and sad because I feel like I don't have any close friends to talk to in the guild. 

I don't talk in vent anymore, I don't know what say. And when I have made some comments I've gotten hushed and told to focus up. I don't laugh in vent anymore, I'm not in on the jokes that are being told. The most I say in vent is "My battle rez is up, who needs it?" 

I also feel like progession is becoming a disease consuming the guild leaders. It's mixed messages to me. I'm told we need to progess, get faster, get farther. Then I'm told we shouldn't worry about gear, it's about being together. Can you have one without the other? I was having more fun leveling Lunas up, going into 5 mans and heroics gearing up than getting the gear in 25 mans because it's all about progression now. 

I understand I have my own faults and it's not any one person's fault. These are my own feelings and I just wanted to express them. I don't speak for my husband, I don't know what he feels about all the things I spoke of above. Maybe I'm way off base on something, maybe it's just my own feeling clouding my judgement. I hope this clears up why I'm not on as much, I don't want people thinking it's just because I feel like I got to the pinnalce and don't want to play anymore. Yes, I'm a little bored with the content, but that wouldn't matter as much if I felt like I could have some fun raiding with the group.